


You let me believe you were someone else

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Kane (Band), One Tree Hill RPF, Smallville RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, First Time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-10-23
Updated: 2008-12-06
Packaged: 2018-09-03 06:35:16
Rating: Teen & Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 21,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8701264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: Your secrets did this .... you did this. You let me believe you were someone else..... I feel like i don't even know you.Jared is 16 and hiding a dark past and Jensen is drawn to him, what will happen when secrets are revealed. Read to find out.





	1. No one can hear the silent screams.

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).
> 
>  **Author's notes:** My wonderful Beta reader is Basezaf, thank you so much. Any mistakes left are my own.
> 
> This is going to be a long one guys, I have a few chapters written already and will update weekly so that there is not a lot of time between updates.
> 
> It will have a higher rating eventually but I will put any warning before each chapter.
> 
> I love music and it helps me when writing so each chapter will have one or more songs listed as they describe the emotions in the chapter.

  
Author's notes: songs for this chapter-

Bother by Stone sour  
Boulevard of broken dreams by Green day  


* * *

.

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My wonderful Beta reader is Basezaf, thank you so much. Any mistakes left are my own.

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The car slowing down was the first sign that they were almost at their destination. Jared had kept his eyes focused on the window for the entire journey, effectively ignoring everyone else in the car. Not that they wanted to talk to him; Jared couldn't remember the last time he had spoken to anyone other than to give the required responses. Even his own mother had given up trying to talk to him and had spent the journey making small talk with his social worker in a way that was supposed to include him, without actually talking to him. He had tuned it all out; he didn't want to know how nice the Kane family were or what a good therapist Laurie Kane was. He wanted to be home with his family, or at least that is what he used to want. Since that night his loving family had all but disowned him, only his mum tried to maintain their strained relationship. Jared didn’t blame his family as he knew he no longer deserved them. He had accepted that he deserved to be disowned, shipped miles away to live with a family he didn't know. Hell, he deserved much worse and would probably get it. Still, he couldn't ignore the feeling of being abandoned and unwanted and so damn scared every minute of every day. Not that he could talk about that; he was the one in the wrong. He deserved to feel that way, and no one cared what Jared Padelecki was worried about. He lost that right when he...He had figured that out early on after what happened, so he had stopped talking, stopped trying to defend himself and only responded when spoken too. What was the use in talking when no one wanted to listen? He felt guilty as he realised he was feeling sorry for himself. He had no right to feel that way. He deserved whatever he got.

 

It took him a long moment to actually see what was outside the car window instead of staring off into space, lost in his thoughts. When he did focus, he saw Laurie Kane, a pretty blonde woman with a friendly face. He had met her once; she was to be his therapist and guardian. He thought she looked too young to be a therapist and certainly not old enough to have a son his own age of 16. He noticed the two guys standing either side of her like body guards and felt himself tense, noticing they looked less than friendly. The older guy must be Michael, Laurie’s husband but he had no clue who the boy was, although it was clear the guy already hated him. He wondered why that was, as his social worker had assured him that only Laurie and Michael knew intimate details from his past. It was on a need to know bases and as far as he was concerned, this kid didn’t need to know.

 

He heard his social worker talking a mile a minute, introducing his mum to the Kane family, allowing Jared time to take in the house. It looked big and welcoming, complete with the white picket fence. Just by looking at it, he knew he didn't belong there. It looked too warm and bright, something he wasn't, not anymore.

 

He sighed and struggled to get himself out of the car. He had never been particularly graceful and put that fact down to his extreme height. Being 6'4 just made him a clumsy guy. So trying to move around when his left arm was in a cast and his right leg was still damaged enough that he still needed the crutch from the hospital, made him a walking disaster.

 

As he stumbled out of the car, he felt rather than saw all eyes on him. He had taken to avoiding looking at people directly, not wanting to see what they really felt about him. So he wasn't prepared to have Laurie's smiling face suddenly in front of him, catching his distant gaze.

 

"Hi Jared, I'm happy to see you again. You’re looking better than last time we met, though still unsteady on those feet I see." Her voice was warm and friendly, but he felt his heart rate increase and his palms grown sweaty as he panicked, not knowing how to take her friendliness. So he scowled and looked away, trying to make her just back the Hell off with a look. It didn't have the desired effect and she just smiled as though she understood. He felt angry at that; what the hell did she know about how he felt?

 

That must have shown on his face because another voice caught his attention. "You want to watch who you look at like that, unless you want another black eye." Jared looked up and saw it was the younger guy talking to him. He noticed Michael scowling, but it was aimed at him, not the guy making the threats, so Jared tried to avoid his gaze, instead trying to ignore everyone around him.

 

Laurie suddenly cut in, her voice hard, all traces of warmth gone. "Christopher Kane, you will not threaten anybody as long as I live and breathe, is that understood? Especially when Jared is going to be staying with us for some time." The moody looking boy, who Jared could now identify as Christopher, seemed unfazed by Laurie's harsh tone. "Whatever. You know how I feel, and it's Chris," he muttered, before storming back into the house.

 

Jared noticed a look pass between Laurie and Michael but couldn't identify it. They were clearly good at conversations without words. He quickly averted his gaze as Michael’s eyes found his and then he was being lead into the house by Laurie.

 

"Come on Jared, let’s give you a tour and introduce you to everyone.”

 

Jared followed with some difficulty, trying to co ordinate his useless leg with the walking aide. He didn't miss the way he was watched, like a dog that had bitten once and could do it again, and he tried to ignore the pain he felt as he noticed his own mum looked the most wary of them all.

 

The Kane house was big and spacious inside, as well as clean, but still felt lived in. He was shown the large, comfy lounge area which had big sofas and a TV, a bookcase that was to the point of overflowing and pictures that were hung or standing on every flat surface. He was then shown to his bedroom on the ground floor with its own bathroom. They had converted the therapy room into a bedroom so he didn't have to manage stairs. He felt grateful as stairs were a big problem with his leg, but he also felt guilty for making them change their family home. He was told that upstairs there were three bedrooms, one bathroom and a therapy room, and the third floor is where their own bedroom was. Laurie apologised that he would need to manage the stairs for therapy sessions, but Jared figured that was a good compromise for not having to go up and down every day and night. 

 

They then took him through the kitchen. It was huge, with freshly baked cookies sitting on the counter. Laurie asked them all to take a seat at the large dining table and whilst she made the drinks she told Jared that Chris was her brother and she was his full time guardian. "Don't take much notice of Chris; his bark is worse than his bite."

 

She placed the drinks on the table and looked around. "Speaking of which, where are those boys?" 

 

Michael smirked. "Where else? They never leave that garage." 

 

Jared decided Michael looked less scary when he smirked. 

 

Laurie rolled her eyes at her husband. "Well go get them." She turned to Jared and smiled but he still had trouble meeting her gaze, so focused on his drink. "Jensen is also staying with us. He’s a family friend and comes to stay when his dad is out of town. I'm sure you will like him; he’s a sweet boy." 

 

Jared just nodded sinking deeper into his misery. Great, this Jensen was a friend to Chris which did not bode well for them getting on. Not that Jared cared much; he wasn't looking for friends here. He just wanted to come here and get through his next school year without being hassled by people. Still, part of him missed the social interaction. He had always been popular enough before, well just before it all went to hell, and he was often accused of being too hyper and friendly. No one could associate him with that Jared now; he hardly spoke and he was pulling into himself more and more. So some small part of him hated the thought that he would have to see the two friends having fun and shutting him out. Still, he deserved it. He pushed that hurtful thought down deep and told himself he didn't care if Chris and Jensen hated him; he didn't deserve friends anyway. He tried to shut out the image of him, Chad and Sandy, all hanging out together. It was too soon to think of them; he just couldn't think of what he had lost.

 

*********

 

Jensen rolled his eyes at his best friend’s dramatics. Chris really was against this new kid coming here and had been acting like a five year old brat about the whole thing since Laurie and Michael had told him.

 

"Seriously Jensen, the guy is a freak of nature. No one should be that tall and he’s all banged up! How did that happen, huh? Bet he’s violent. And, you should have seen how he looked at Laurie! I swear, he touches my sister, I will kick his ass." 

 

Jensen continued working on the car letting Chris run out of steam before responding. "You know, being tall is not a crime and you know the kind of kids that come here. The bruises could be from anything, something that isn't his fault." Chris huffed at that and Jensen smirked. "Besides, I doubt Laurie needs your short ass protecting her. She is one scary woman when she gets going.”

 

Chris handed him the wrench and sighed. "Yeah I know, but that kid is no victim of abuse, man, or we would know a little about him. Why the hell is everything so secretive and why is he so special?" 

 

Jensen understood his friend’s frustration. Laurie and Michael had been fostering for years, providing short term accommodation for a variety of kids. Jensen had taken to living here more and more as he hit his teenage years, excluding when his dad was away on business, and he loved it here. Laurie and Michael were like family and he never minded the kids that came to stay before. Then again, they had never had someone their own age come here before; they were always younger. Laurie was a great therapist and a great parent with a lot of compassion for people. Michael was quite opposite to her, but he cared about kids. He was just more tough than touchy feely like he called Laurie. Still, they worked well together and Jensen and most of the kids that stayed here loved it, despite missing home.

 

Jensen sometimes missed the idea of home. He still saw his mum regularly, except now she just lived further away, and his dad often contacted him, as well as his big brother who was always on the phone from college. Even his baby sister sent him letters. But it just wasn't the same and he missed what they used to be. Still, he was looking forward to the trip that all of them were planning to take up there in 6 weeks.

 

"Hey man, are you even listening to me?" Chris looked pissed and Jensen managed a sheepish grin.

 

"Sorry man, I was somewhere else."

 

Chris scowled and threw a greasy cloth at him. "Fucking useless." 

 

Jensen knew the real reason this new kid had got Chris worked up. It wasn't because they knew nothing about him, because most of the kids that came here had confidential histories and Jensen never minded as it wasn't his business. But, even so, they were always given a rough outline. All they had heard about this Jared was that he was their age and would be going to their school. It was puzzling, but he knew it wasn't this that had Chris so wound up. It was that Michael was not happy that Jared was coming. In all the years he had been here, he never saw Michael so against something. He had fought with Laurie constantly about it for weeks. Of course Laurie had won out, as she always did but, Michael was not happy and even Jensen thought that raised some concerns; maybe the guy was dangerous. Michael was a decent guy, he didn't judge people and he was able to have fun, but he was protective of his family and he knew something about this Jared that had him worried. Still, he needed to get Chris to calm down. "Look man even, Laurie wouldn't put her family in danger in order to help someone. Just have faith in her."

 

Chris seemed to deflate and nodded. "You’re right man, I'm over reacting. That doesn't mean I have to like him, though." 

 

Jensen shook his head, closing the bonnet to his baby. "That's your choice, but I think it has to be pretty difficult to come somewhere new and not know anyone. Maybe he could use a friend." 

 

Chris scowled at him. "I hate you Ackles, you and your girly emotions. I swear you should just go ahead and call yourself Jenny and get a boyfriend." 

 

Jensen laughed and flipped his friend off. It was friendly banter, but he sometimes thought Chris was trying to ask him if he was gay without having to have that awkward conversation. He had wanted to tell Chris so many times but it was difficult to say. Lately he had been certain his friend had realised it and just doesn't know how to confirm it. It wouldn't be an issue; Jensen knew Chris was straight and had never so much as looked at him that way. And Chris must know that to be comfortable with it. Still, they were both 16 and having a conversation like that was too much for them.

 

Michael entered the garage and looked amused. "Thought I'd find you two trouble makers in here. How’s she coming?" Michael was a mechanic and had a love for cars, so when Jensen had bought an old 1967 Chevy Impala to restore her to her former glory, Michael was all for helping him get it done. 

 

"She’s still leaking from somewhere. I really didn't want to have to strip her back, but I may have to." 

 

Michael was nodding looking thoughtful and then looked at Chris. "You need to watch your mouth more. Laurie is gonna have your balls when the social worker leaves."

 

Chris snorted and shrugged. "She don't scare me."

 

Jensen just raised his eyebrow and Chris chuckled. "You’re a braver man than most then."

 

Michael turned back to the door. "Come on guys, you need to come and meet Jared. And Chris, don't start. He is here and he is staying. Let’s make it more bearable all round ok?" 

 

Chris let his words die on his tongue and heaved a deep sigh. Jensen just smiled and followed them out of the garage. He was kinda intrigued by the supposed giant freak of nature and just hoped he didn't stare too badly.


	2. Let your guard down, let me in

  
Author's notes: Song - Learn you inside out by Lifehouse

Thank you to my wonderful Beta reader again  


* * *

Jared had started to find the dirt under his fingernails really interesting, especially when Laurie kept asking him questions. He just couldn't understand why people wouldn't leave him alone. It’s all he wanted; well most of the time it was. Sometimes he just wanted to scream as loud as he could and never stop until someone notices him. But he can't do that; he has no right to be upset. So he pushes it down and lets it claw at his chest like some demon possessing him, trying to find a way out. He never screams and shouts like he needs to. He learned early on that the easiest way to control these violent emotions inside him was to talk as little as possible, then he didn't run the risk of letting his mask slip. He could tell Laurie was not going to let him get away with that as much as others did, and it scared him.

 

Since the incident, Jared had changed. He was reserved, quiet and withdrawn, and even his family didn't push him to talk, though he realised that was partly due to their disgust in him. Still, it had been easy to bury his emotions deep inside and put a protective wall around him, not let anything out or anyone in. If Laurie started to chip away at said wall, he was scared that it would crumble and he would fall apart.

 

So it was with some effort that he focused on the person Laurie was introducing him to.

 

"This is Jensen," Laurie introduced, looking expectantly. 

 

Jared looked up and found himself looking into the greenest eyes he had ever seen, and he felt sure everyone could hear his heart beating faster. He could feel himself staring into those eyes and could see a warmth there he had never seen before. For a moment, Jared had a great desire to break down and tell this person how much it hurt to even breathe. He saw the shock and surprise fill those warm green eyes and realised he was staring openly. He tore his gaze away, getting himself under control before meeting those eyes again, this time keeping his feelings in check. He didn’t fail to notice the confusion in those green depths.

 

He couldn't explain what had happened. He had let his defences down so easily around this guy, and he didn’t like it. He came to the conclusion that being around him was a bad idea. And yet, he couldn't ignore the fact that Jensen was, for lack of a better word, beautiful. Still, he only noticed that now. It didn't explain his reaction or the connection he felt as their eyes met. He told himself he was just caught off guard, and wouldn't let it happen again. But he couldn't deny the pull he felt to him, so much so that he couldn't ignore the hand that was offered to him. He intended to shake his hand briefly then pull away, but their hands lingered longer than necessary causing Jared to wonder if this Jensen felt the sparks, too.

 

He frowned as he realised what he was thinking and pulled his hand away quickly. He had no right to feel attraction to anyone or experience tingling sparks caused by someone else. Besides, he knew someone like Jensen would never look at him that way, and that was a good thing, he told himself firmly. No one would want him as a friend if they really knew him, let alone anything else. 

 

"Good to have you here Jared." His voice was as warm as his eyes and Jared felt his words stick in his throat, so he just nodded. He could see Jensen genuinely meant what he said and he wanted to laugh at that. If only he knew the truth. Instead, he settled for avoiding his gaze altogether and tried to reinforce the wall around him that suddenly seemed so fragile.

 

*****

 

Jensen had prepared himself for seeing some tall guy with bruises, but he wasn’t prepared for the reaction he felt when he laid eyes on Jared. He could see he was good looking, and felt his body respond to what he saw. That alone was enough to scare him, considering he had never even kissed another guy. He had never felt a big enough attraction to anyone to risk his sexual preference getting out, or to risk a punch in the face for hitting on a straight guy.

 

When their eyes met he felt as though he had been winded. He saw a storm of emotions in those eyes that reminded him of the sea. So much pain and desperation; it made him feel out of his depth. He didn't know how long they looked at each other, just knew when Jared was pulling away and shutting down. Jensen watched with fascination as a mask slid into place and felt the need to bring back the emotion to those eyes. He couldn't explain it, seeing those eyes so full of pain had scared him, but not as much as seeing those eyes so empty and withdrawn. He wanted to pull away, to back off and keep at a distance, but he couldn't help but be drawn to him and feel the need to get rid of that mask he wore.

 

He knew it was a bad idea and could feel his best friend’s eyes burning into his back, but he didn't care. He couldn't pull away. He felt relief as Jared took his offered hand and warm, pleasurable sparks ran through him where their skin touched and he was reluctant to let go. 

 

He had completely forgotten the audience watching the exchange and felt himself blush, especially under Chris's ‘WTF’ look. He ignored this and focused on greeting Jared's mum and social worker, who seemed to not have noticed the intense exchange between the two. Either that or they just didn't care.

 

******

 

That had been two hours ago and now Jensen was watching Jared say goodbye to his mum. He felt like he was intruding, but couldn't take his eyes off the scene. He wondered how Jared's mom could seem to care so little when it was clearly breaking Jared's heart. He had been showing no signs of distress, not even shedding any tears, hell, Jensen had not seen him say anything but goodbye. But it was in the way he held himself, the dejected stance and the arms that wrapped around himself, trying to offer comfort. Jensen snorted to himself; since when did he read body language? He spent too much time around Laurie. Still, it was more than that, and he was reluctant to look too deeply into it. Yet, he just knew that under the calm surface were raging emotions. He knew it was tearing Jared apart to be left here and in that moment he hated Jared's mum for not even being able to hug him and offer some kind of comfort.

 

"Hey man, what ya up to?" Chris came out the garage door and peered to where Jensen had been staring. "What is it with you and that guy? You know him somehow?”

 

Jensen smirked and rolled his eyes, trying to throw Chris off the scent. "You know everyone I know."

 

Chris just glared at him. "So what’s with the long stares?, ‘cause you seem awful interested in him." 

 

Jensen just shrugged and walked towards the car, not wanting to get into it with Chris. He loved the guy, but he couldn't explain why he had a sudden obsession with Jared Padalecki to himself, let alone help Chris understand.

 

Chris was as stubborn as they came, though, and managed to block his path. "Don't shrug me off, Ackles. What’s going on?"

 

Jensen shook his head and smirked. "What could possibly be going on? I only met him a few hours ago."

 

"You keep getting this look..." Chris’s eyes narrowed as he watched his friend closely.

 

Jensen could tell there was a lot more to those words then was being said, but decided to play dumb. He wasn't up to giving the ‘gay confession’. Not tonight. "Look man, like I said before, he’s new here and he could use a friend."

 

The look Chris gave told him he wasn't convincing him. 

 

“OK, maybe I feel sorry for the guy. You know what I'm like, and he is like the poster child for a pity party." It wasn't true. Pity was the last thing he felt for Jared, and he felt a little sick as he said it, like he was betraying Jared in some way; which, by the way, was crazy. They were not even friends, not yet anyway.

 

However, he could tell it satisfied Chris's curiosity, especially when he spoke again. "You and your emotions, man. You can’t rescue every kicked puppy and be its best friend.” Thinking of Jared as a kicked puppy made Jensen laugh, as it was a little true. Jared had the kicked puppy look, but also looked like he may maul you if you crossed him.

 

"Maybe not man, but I can help the ones that find their way here." He hoped Chris wouldn't push the issue because he fully intended to become Jared's friend, no matter what

 

********

 

Jared sat stiffly on the edge of his new bed, staring out of the window, replaying the conversation he had heard. So it was pity Jensen felt, nothing more. He felt his cheeks burn as he remembered staring into Jensen’s eyes and thinking there was a connection. For him there had been, but obviously not for the other boy. He knew he had no right to feel disappointed because, really, there was no way he could even consider feeling anything for Jensen. Besides, they had only just met and he thought he was a loser. It wasn't even Jensen's fault; he was a decent enough guy. He just knew a pity party when he saw one. It at least helped him shut the door firmly on any possible feelings for him, despite what he had already felt. It was obviously one sided.

 

He moved around his new room slowly, trying to get himself organised by unpacking things, but there was no passion in it. He would be happy to live out of his cases whilst he was here, except he doubted that would be allowed and he didn't want anyone offering their help. Instead, he made use of the wardrobe and chest of draws provided.

 

********

 

Laurie sipped her strong coffee as she read over the file in front of her. It was Jared's transfer file and she felt herself frowning as she read the words; violent, dangerous, criminal and many others that jumped out. The moment she had been assigned the Padalecki case, she knew something just wasn't right. Nothing added up. She had almost refused the case, as she felt the authorities wanted her to simply contain Jared and make him ready for trial. That was not what Laurie did; she worked with kids to help them deal with what happened to them, even if it was their fault. She did not just criminalise them. She tried to understand what had lead to that behaviour and help them rehabilitate. Of course, some of her kids still had to serve time for their crimes which was not always a bad thing and she helped them through that, too, if they let her. Still, this case was not right and she had felt a fool for taking it. But the moment she had met Jared, she had known she couldn't walk away.

 

He wasn't like some of her patients, not the ones she bought home, but the ones she treated in her office in town, the violent criminals that often threatened her. She was tough because the kids she worked with made her that way; she didn't tolerate bullshit and was prepared to face a 6'4 teenager with aggressive behaviour. They had all warned her of his size, but the teenager she saw lying in that hospital bed looked more like a lost little boy. She had taken many children home over the years while treating them, although many of them had been younger kids as she never wanted older ones due to Chris and Jensen being there. They had behavioural problems, but they were mostly lost, lonely children needing to find attachment to someone or needing help in how to deal with their dark and troubled pasts.

 

Jared had reminded her of those children the day she met him, and though he never spoke more than two words, everything about him screamed ‘help me’. She had known then she would apply to have him in her home to treat him and make him stable for the court case. She had almost lost her case; plenty of people were against it, saying he needed to be in a secure place, but she had a good standing with the judge who had passed in her favour. She had felt happy but also wary, because deep down she felt like she had just bitten off more than she could chew.

 

Michael was against it; all he saw was the assessment, the words that formed a picture of someone Laurie wouldn't have in her home. It had taken many arguments and late night talks to get him to be reasonable and listen. She had tried to describe why she felt so comfortable with this boy, but it wasn't anything she could explain. Years of experience had taught her not to ever misjudge anyone, but for the most part she got people spot on or as close as possible. When she saw Jared arrive today she knew she had made the right call. He wasn't the boy portrayed in his file.

 

The question was why was everyone determined to pin him as the bad guy? Even Jared seemed to believe it and she knew as well as she knew Chris and Michael loved her that Jared was not completely at fault.

 

So it was her job to find out who was, though that would prove difficult as it seemed Jared rarely spoke.

 

********

 

Laurie found Jensen and Chris playing a racing game on their PlayStation in the lounge and smiled at the easy banter between them. She took a deep breath as she prepared to do battle. She knew how Chris had sided with Michael over Jared, but she needed them to try and help her settle him in. She was good at her job, so she didn't miss the silent exchange between Jared and Jensen earlier in the day. It was the first time she had seen him look at anyone for longer than a few seconds, which is why she directed her question more to Jensen.

 

"So, do you know if Jared is all settled in his room yet?"

 

Jensen paused the game, forcing Chris to look up. "No, we haven't seen him yet. Do you want us to check on him?" Jensen tried to not sound too keen, but Laurie may have just given him the perfect excuse to hang out with Jared without getting Chris all pissed.

 

"Fuck that." So much for that theory. Chris looked adamant that he was not going to get involved with Jared.

 

Laurie hit him over the head with a rolled up magazine. "I hear you curse anymore today and you will be unclogging drains and scrubbing the bathroom with your toothbrush...and you won’t get a new one."

 

Jensen laughed at the mock-arguing between the two; he loved them like his own family, maybe even more so and he would do anything for Laurie. She had helped him through a rough patch before and he owed her everything.

 

Laurie hit Chris again, smiling at Jensen. "I just think he needs to keep his mind busy and he had lots to unpack. Must be difficult doing all that with his hand and leg out of action."

 

"We'll help him out.” Jensen was up and headed towards Jared's room before Chris could bitch and moan. Laurie was right; it was unfair to make him do it all himself when he was at a disadvantage. Besides, the guy couldn't hide out in his room all day. He told himself it had nothing to do with what he had felt earlier today, nothing at all.

 

In his hurry to see Jared, he didn't notice his best friend not following or the scowl on his face as he watched him go. A twinge of hurt lingered in his eyes, before he turned back to his game, ignoring his sister as she tried to talk to him.


	3. Hide the memories of yourself

  
Author's notes: song : Broken by Seether  


* * *

Jared ignored the knock at his door, hoping that whoever it was would take the hint and go away. He just wanted to avoid everyone at all cost, which he knew would be next to impossible, but he had hoped it would last a little longer. He had known that it would be easier said than done. Part of him wished they had just put him in a secure unit; at least he wouldn't have a therapist bugging him every five minutes. 

 

He dropped the pile of clothes on the bed at the same time a second knock sounded on his door. He took his time opening it, his leg slowing him down some. He let out a sudden curse as he stumbled the last few steps, his body hitting the door causing him to bounce off it and drop to the floor. He could feel the pain radiating through his arm and leg as he landed on his ass and bit back a groan of pain. The last thing he needed was to...

 

"Fuck!" Too late; the cavalry has arrived. He fully expected Laurie to be the one walking into his room, so when he saw Jensen, he froze for a moment, staring up at him confused.

 

******

 

Jensen was getting impatient as he waited for the door to be opened. He wouldn't admit this, but, he wanted to spend some time with Jared before Chris showed up and made it awkward. It took him a few moments of hesitation when he heard the loud bang, but soon decided he needed to see if the Jared was ok, privacy be damned.

 

He couldn't help the smirk as he looked down at Jared. He obviously wasn't hurt, other than his injuries he already had, so he decided teasing was allowed. 

 

"No need to fall at my feet, man. I just came to offer some help." Jensen tried to ignore the nervous energy jumping around inside him as he held out his hand to the guy sprawled at his feet.

 

Jared could only stare for a few minutes, wondering if this would get old soon and would be able to see Jensen without turning into a slobbering moron. He couldn't escape the smirk and the way he was offering help, but then Jared remembered what Jensen thought about him. Pity party. So instead of taking the offered hand like he wanted to, he focused on the fact that this pretty boy thought he was a pathetic loser. 

 

"I can do it myself,” he growled, pushing himself up. “Not fucking helpless." He tried to ignore the pain that shot through his wrist as he put pressure on it, but felt the colour drain from his face none-the-less. He somehow managed to get himself up and stumbled back to the bed, cradling his arm protectively against his chest. It really fucking hurt.

 

He wanted Jensen to leave him alone. It was bad enough he thought he was a loser, let alone seeing him on the floor like that. And now he may just cry from the pain in his wrist. Fucking great.

 

He bit hard on his lip and took some deep breaths, letting the pain wash over him in waves until he could get past the sharpness of it. He used to try meditating with Sandy, but he was never much good at it, as he always had too much energy to sit still. Now ,though, as he took more deep breaths, he felt himself relaxing and he could focus past the throbbing in his wrist. He then he remembered that Jensen was still standing there watching him. 

 

"What do you want?" He no longer sounded angry, just tired.

 

Jensen was shocked at the deep growl that had come from the big guy. He had backed off and watched Jared get himself up off the floor. He couldn't understand what he had against being helped up; sure it's embarrassing to fall over, but everyone does it. He didn't miss the way he was holding his arm already in a cast and wondered if he should get Laurie. He was about to shout for her when he watched a peaceful expression cross Jared's face, making him freeze to the spot. He hadn't realised until now how haunted the other boy looked. Now he was taking deep breaths and looked like he may be meditating. Jensen was enraptured and in that moment, he didn’t want to see that look vanish.

 

He almost jumped at Jared’s question and could see him wiggling his fingers now, testing them out. He watched the hard mask fall into place as Jared looked at him with an unmistakable question of ‘well?’ clear in his eyes. He really hated that cold, hard look on Jared’s face and wanted the peaceful look back instead.

 

"Er…" Real smooth, Ackles. He rubbed the back of his neck for a few seconds, looking round the room. "I just came in to see if you needed any help. You have tons of shit to unpack."

 

Jared just shrugged and slowly stood, trying to ignore the apologetic tone in the other guys voice. Probably only came in here because Laurie asked him to. He went back to unpacking his clothes, ignoring the twinges of pain. "Well thanks, but I can manage just fine."

 

Jensen knew a brush off when he saw one and just smirked to himself. Yeah, like getting rid of me is going to be that easy? You wish. So he returned the shrug. "Sure you can, but doesn't mean you have to." With that, he grabbed a box and began emptying things out, finding places for each item. "How come you have so much stuff with you?."

 

Jared wanted to tell Jensen to back the Hell off, but pushed that down inside. Getting worked up wouldn't help; besides, Jensen had seen too much of him already. He needed to keep calm and ignore him. Easier said than done. 

 

Jared looked at Jensen and said, "because I’m moving in." He then went back to ignoring him. Yeah, he had lots of stuff, but that was because his entire room had been cleared out. He knew it wasn’t so he had all his home comforts. No; it was his families way of saying you’re never coming home, Jared.

 

Jensen brushed the sarcasm off and allowed Jared to ignore him. He got that Jared probably wanted to be quiet, and he appreciated that. So they worked in silence for a while, unpacking a box at a time. He kept stealing glances at Jared, who was oblivious to him. He wanted to be able to take a good long look at him, even though he couldn't say what he found so fascinating. He had seen plenty of good looking guys over the years, but no one had gotten his attention like this or he would have bit more experience.

 

It wasn’t that he was picky or anything; he just hadn’t found anyone he had been interested in. Basically, he was just more reserved than his friends, like Mike and Tom, although that wasn't saying much. But he was attracted to Jared, and he was confused as to why he felt like this so suddenly. He barely knew him, if at all, and yet here he was.

 

He was sorting through a box when Jared's voice cut into his thoughts.

 

"That's for storage."

 

Jensen looked down at a box full of medals, trophies and photos. "You don't want any of this stuff out?" A quick shake of the head was all he got and he looked at a trophy for basketball. "You used to play?"

 

"I used to; not anymore." Truth was, Jared used to adore the game, played all the time when he could. Not now, though; it was all over.

 

"How come? Were you any good?" Jensen seemed genuinely curious.

 

Jared frowned; God didn't he give it a rest? "I used to be ok."

 

"So you going to join the team here? My friend Tommy’s on the team.” Jensen paused to look up at Jared. “He’s almost as tall as you,"

 

Jared could feel himself getting annoyed with the questions and suddenly snapped. "I can barely walk, how do you suggest I play sports?" He knew it was unfair, but it was a sore spot for him. He used to love the game and now, well, now it was all shot to Hell.

 

"Sorry, but…you shouldn't give up, you know?" Jensen looked at him then and smiled. "I'm sure your leg and arm will heal eventually."

 

Jared narrowed his eyes at that. "Didn't realise you knew better than the doctors that told me I won’t ever heal enough to play sports again."

 

Jensen paused what he was doing. At least he looked guilty, or was that pity? Sure. Whatever. Feel pity for the poor cripple. "Don't say sorry; I don't need your pity." Jared met the other boys eyes and felt satisfied at the slight blush on his cheeks at that word.

 

"I don't feel that way." Jensen denied, ignoring the flush in his cheeks.

 

Jared shrugged, not sure why he was even talking to him anymore. "Whatever." He walked back to his wardrobe, ignoring Jensen’s existence.

 

Jensen felt like an ass. Not only was his foot firmly wedged in mouth from the comment about ‘not giving up’, but he had the impression that Jared had overheard him earlier. He looked at the trophy and then at Jared’s injured leg. It seemed so unfair that someone so young would lose the ability to play sports. Jared seemed pissed at him, not that he blamed him, but it didn't sit well with him. He figured he better quit, for now at least.

 

He decided he would help with the last box, then put some of them into storage for him. Maybe he could try later. It wasn’t like Jared could escape him. 

 

As he was putting some books into the bookcase, he tried to not laugh out loud at the Harry Potter collection. He had nothing against the books, but somehow they didn't suit Jared's gloomy demeanour, and this, apparently, struck him as funny. 

 

He bent down as something fell out the books and picked up what looked like a bookmark at first, but then he noticed it was a strip of 4 photos, obviously taken in a photo booth. They were of a blond haired guy, a very pretty girl and a hot guy with brown hair and dimples to die for. It took him a few moments to realise the guy was the same guy standing across the room from him, only he wasn't all banged up or shut down. He looked happy and carefree and breathtakingly beautiful.

 

He felt himself blushing at that thought; he had never thought of a guy looking that way, but it didn't make it any less true. Jared's eyes were lit up and he was laughing with the two friends, his big grin causing the cutest dimples. He had his arm around the blond guy, and the girl on his knee. They all looked close and happy and comfortable with each other as they pulled faces and did bunny ears. He felt a twinge of jealousy as he realised the girl was probably Jared’s girlfriend.

 

"Are we done?" Jared was suddenly close to him and Jensen jumped a little, startled out of his thoughts.

 

"Oh hey, man, I found some photos." He held out the pictures to Jared who was frowning and Jensen was sure he had gone white. "Are you OK ?"

 

Jared just stared for a moment. "Just put them into the box with the other photos."

 

Jensen didn't miss the fact that everything in said box should be taking pride of place on the shelves, not kept hidden away. Jensen realised they were all memories, items that were collected to remind people of happy times and what they had achieved. He looked at the withdrawn boy before him and thought of the photo. What the hell happened to him to make him so broken?. It made him feel cold, as he knew it had to be something big. Jared had obviously been hurt, hurt so bad that the smile had been erased from his eyes. Jensen had never wanted to hold someone so much in his life as he did then; not even when Sophia had almost drowned. Pity had nothing to do with it. 

 

"Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry. If it's too much I'll put them away….but maybe you want to keep them in here somewhere?" He just didn't want these photos ruined in the garage by damp and mould, because one day, Jared may want them back.

 

Jared could feel the panic crawling up his throat, the lump there making it hard to swallow, too many memories fighting to fill his head. He had decided along with not talking about things that he had to stop thinking about anything in his past. It always lead to him thinking of what happened, of what he had lost and the ache in his chest would become almost unbearable and eventually he would snap. He couldn't do that again. The last time he had, it had caused a major freak out and he had spent two days doped up to keep him calm.

 

He knew deep down Jensen didn't mean any harm, but right now he was the only one there and he needed someone to lash out at, someone to blame and push away. 

 

He managed to stumble past him and he snatched the photos out of his hands, muttering as he headed to the door. “Mind your own damn business. I'm going out back." 

 

He didn't wait for a response, because he didn't want to risk getting out of control. It wasn't Jensen’s fault, not really. He just needed to be alone to calm down and was thankful when he saw his escape route was clear. He knew he wasn't allowed out of the house alone, so he opted for the back garden so he could gather himself.

 

*******

 

Jensen stood there shocked for a few moments and debated going after him, but decided Jared obviously needed some space.

 

"Note to self, friends are a touchy subject." 

 

He couldn't help but wonder what had happened to those friends in the photo; did Jared still see them? Probably not, or he wouldn't have acted the way he did. Jared's life was one big mystery that Jensen was keen to figure out. He really wanted him to get back to being the happy guy in those photos.

 

"Talking of photos…" He only felt a little guilty as he pulled out a few framed photos whispering, "what he doesn't know wont hurt." 

 

He looked at a family photo; it captured a slightly younger Jared with an older guy that must be his brother. They each had an arm slung around an older man that must be their dad. Just in front of them was Jared's mum; she also looked different to the women he had met earlier. She looked bright and full of life and love like mum’s should be. She was hugging a younger girl that reminded him of his own sister and he smiled. They all looked like a close, happy family. So why did they ship their son all this way ?

 

The next picture was the pretty girl in the first photo’s Jensen had found, and she was hugging Jared. They both looked happy and were laughing at the person taking the photo. The next photo was of the blond guy and the same girl. It had obviously been taken not long after the previous one, and it became clear that the girl was not Jared's girlfriend, but the blonds‘, as they were kissing. He felt a little contrite over his previous feelings of jealousy, but also relieved. 

 

There were a few more photos, some of Jared and his brother or sister, some with his mum, one was of Jared and two huge dogs and one of Jared and his basketball team. In all of them Jared looked happy and confident, not the guy he is now and Jensen felt a twinge of sadness that somehow, someone, had taken that away from Jared.

 

Deciding to make things easier for him, Jensen grabbed the couple of boxes that Jared didn't want and decided to store them in his closet so they wouldn't get damaged. He would say they were in storage if Jared asked, not that he was likely to. He liked the thought of having those photos close by, because he hoped Laurie could work her magic with Jared and perhaps, in the future, he would want to see them again.

 

And maybe one day, Jensen would know what had happened to change him so much.


	4. Broken Promises

  
Author's notes: Songs - To be loved by Curtis Stigers and I don't know how to let you go by Sarah Mclachlan  


* * *

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Jared found himself sitting under a tree, too lost in his thoughts to enjoy the shade from the sun or the gentle breeze. He had found it difficult dropping to the floor, but had managed and now he rested his back against the rough bark. He had his sleeves of his green hoody pulled down over his hand, despite the warmth; he just felt so cold. It took him moments to realise he had the photos in his hand, half tucked up his sleeve. He wished that the reminders of his past life would just go away. He knew it was too much to ask and was more than he deserved, but he just couldn't take the regular blasts from the past. They shook him to the core and left him feeling raw and exposed. No matter how good he was at pushing things down and hiding things, he had his breaking point. Being reminded of how happy he had been made the desire to scream so intense, he clenched his jaw and bit his lip to stop himself, not letting up even when he tasted blood.

 

After some long moments of taking deep breaths and staring at the vast garden that belonged to the Kane’s, he felt the desire to scream slowly pass. He hated when he got this way, hated that his emotions could leave him drained and shaking. He dreaded to think what would happen if he ever got like this and couldn't escape to calm himself down; he knew he would be like a caged animal before exploding, hurting anyone in his path.

 

More moments passed and he tried to ignore the burning weight of the photos is his hand. With every passing moment, those photos became more and more important, until it held all of his focus. Slowly, as though it were a dangerous snake he was holding, he unscrewed the glossy photo paper and turned it over. Sandy always looked so pretty, so full of life, always joking and laughing with her two male best friends. Him and Chad. She was always there for him, even that night. 

 

Her crying voice hit him hard as he looked at her sweet face, "please God, no, you bastard, Jared....." He pressed fists into his eyes to stop the tears and the memory.

 

As he pulled his hands away, his eyes rested on the face he had tried to forget since that night; Chad Michael Murray, his best friend since they were in diapers, always there for him...

 

A voice that haunted his dreams cut into that thought of Chad; "Even Murray thinks you deserve this, why do you think this is happening?"

 

Jared dropped the photos to the ground as he covered his ears in an attempt to block that voice out, a sick feeling of betrayal settling in his stomach. Had his best friend really hated him that much in the end? Or was it just another twisted mind game? He hadn't seen his best friend since that night; he could still remember the way Chad had thrown an arm across his shoulder and gave him a beer. Not an unusual thing, but it had meant everything to him; it was Chad’s way of apologising and making the tension that had been between them all week vanish, and he knew he hadn't lost his best friend.

 

At the time, he thought that week was the hardest time in his life. So full of doubt and regret and hurt; if only he had known what was coming; he would have realised that that week was nothing. The photos now on the ground were from the day before everything went wrong, before he and Chad were at odds, and before his world came crashing down around him. They had been happy, just as happy as they looked in the photos. He could still remember that day clearly. He didn't know why they took the photo’s. Funny how a day so ordinary, a day that wasn't special in any way, was now one of the most precious memories he had. 

 

It was the last time they had been ‘The Three Musketeers‘, the last time they were united, happy and carefree. Perhaps if they had known what was to happen, they would have made the day more special. Except, to Jared, no memory was more precious than the easy way they had hung out together, without a care in the world and full of promises that had been made.

 

********

 

Flashback

 

"Jay man, you can't seriously still be hungry?" 

 

Chad smirked at Jared as he ate Sandy's left over burger. He had already eaten two of the burger meals himself and half of Sandy's fries, and now he was happily eating her left over burger and was considering getting another. He just laughed around a mouthful of food. "Watch me Murray." With that, he stuck the last bite in his mouth, giving anyone who was looking a good view of what he was eating.

 

"Jare, that is disgusting. " Sandy threw a fry at him, but was giggling as she ate the ice cream she had ordered, not caring that she had managed to get it all around her mouth. She rarely bothered when she was with her boys and Jared loved that about her. She was just like one of the guys, only better looking. He grinned and promptly ate the fry that was thrown at him, "anymore food going, or do I have to order more?"

 

Chad rolled his eyes and laughed. "Lets hit that cookie place next, I need some sweet stuff." He had winked at them both, looking smug.

 

Sandy snorted and Jared just laughed. They knew the real reason he wanted to hit that cookie place and Sandy let him know.

 

"The ‘something sweet’ wouldn't happen to be Angela Cross would it?" He didn't miss the look that passed between his friends, but didn't understand it.

 

Jared just grinned as the two of them started their playful banter about who liked who. Not for the first time, Jared wondered when they would realise they were perfect for each other. He had realised last summer that the playful fighting and teasing was their way of avoiding the fact that there may be more than friendship there. At first, he had been glad they ignored it, as he didn't want anything to upset their friendships.

 

He had known Chad long before he could talk or walk. They had grown up next door to each other, their mothers having been best friends. They were closer than most brothers, and Jared loved him like one. He was glad that when he started to realise his attraction towards men, Chad remained just a friend in his eyes. Still, he felt guilty for not telling Chad that he may be gay. He couldn't exactly say he was, as he had never kissed a guy, but he was fairly certain. Sandy had been pushing him to tell Chad, Hell, she was the one that told Jared he was gay.

 

Sandy had become his friend at kindergarten. She had told him he had to marry her and look after the baby, and Jared, being so young, went along with it. He had been very much in love with her as a child, and their parents had thought it had been the sweetest thing. He would do anything for his Sandy and protect her at all costs from everyone except Chad. Even as a child he was smart enough to not get between those two. After all, Sandy was hardly defenceless when it came to fighting with Chad Michael Murray. Over the years, she had perfected it.

 

"Hey, dream boy, give me a kiss." Sandy's lips met his forehead and he grinned as he was pulled back to the present. Just remembering Sandy as a little girl made him want to hug her close, so he did. She was so tiny she couldn't do anything as he curled her into his larger frame, lifting her off the floor.

 

She squealed like a little girl ,which made him spin her around and she hit him playfully.

 

"Jare, you’re like an overgrown puppy! Put me down before people think your harassing me and call security." She tried to sound firm, but was too busy giggling.

 

Jared just ignored her and started to walk away from the restaurant still carrying her. "Come on, Murray; lets go see Ang... Oh, I mean, get you ‘something sweet‘". He laughed as Chad rolled his eyes and flipped him off, but followed them anyway.

 

Sandy had stopped her protests, and he swung her onto his back where she sat comfortably like she had a hundred times before. "You know, Hercules, you may have ruined me for all men." She squeezed his muscles as she said this.

 

He just laughed and nodded, "which is probably a good thing. No guy is good enough for you and none are man enough to go through me and Chad first."

 

Chad piped up at that and smirked. "Yeah, face it. You’re never dating anyone unless it’s me or Jay. No other guy is good enough, so it may as well be Jay. Everyone thinks you two are together anyways." Jared didn't miss the slightly bitter tone in his friends voice.

 

Sandy huffed at that and started to tell Chad off for treating her like a child. Jared felt smug at the fact he wasn't being told off. Sandy let him get away with a lot more than she let Chad. He watched as another conversation seemed to take place, one that wasn’t heard aloud and he wished once again they would admit how they felt

 

He knew Chad was right, everyone had expected him and Sandy to get together, so much so that when he turned 14 he had felt it was expected of him to take her out on a date. He remembered going to the movies and how Chad had not talked to him for two days. At the time he thought it was because he felt left out, but now he knew better. Chad had been jealous. Chad now knew Jared and Sandy were like brother and sister and were better off that way. The date had been nice enough; they were already friends, but as he had leaned in for a kiss, Sandy had stopped him.

 

She had told him they didn't need to do it just because they were expected to and that she really didn't think she was his type. He had been confused and felt a little rejected. Sandy had seen this, so she did kiss him. It had been his first kiss; it been sweet and short, and as they pulled back he realised what she had meant. He felt nothing more than the love that had always been there; no attraction or anything. She had smiled sweetly in sympathy before telling him in the most gentle way she could that he was gay.

 

At first he had thought she was joking because he wasn't attracted to her, but then she had started to explain things that made him begin to realise she was right, scary as it was. He didn't speak to her for a whole week, which was a record for them. At least their fall out got Chad speaking to him again. When he and Sandy finally spoke again, it was with an unspoken agreement that they wouldn't mention the gay thing again.

 

That had lasted until he was 15.

 

"So you still haven't told him?" Her soft voice spoke against his ear as they watched Chad flirt with Angela Cross. It was scary how easily she could read him at times and he felt his heart fill with warmth and love for her. He knew he was lucky to have two best friends; they were both so great to him, which is why he hated to deceive Chad.

 

"It's not that simple Dee." He let out a sigh on her nick-name, the one from kindergarten, the one which only he was allowed to call her. He could feel her stroking his hair and he smiled, relaxing into her touch. She knew him so well.

 

"He loves you Jare; he wont care once he gets used to it, you know that." She was hugging him against her from behind as she perched on the railings, her legs still wrapped around him.

 

He knew she was right, but he couldn’t help but think about how religious their families were and how they didn't accept that kind of thing. He knew, for this reason as well as others, Chad would find it difficult. He decided he didn't want to think about it too much today. "You know, you really never will get a boyfriend with the way you are with me." He looked smugly at her, "I like that idea, unless, of course you decide to tell Chad how you really feel. I'm all for that."

 

She just raised her eyebrow giving him the look that told him ‘I’m letting this drop, for now,’ before smirking. "Yeah, that is true, but you’re not going to get one either, so it's all good. And, I feel nothing other than love formed out of pity for that boy.”

 

Jared didn't miss the glare she sent at Angela or the way Chad kept glancing at Sandy rather than focusing on what Angela was saying.

 

He thought about what Sandy said about him not dating, blushing red at the thought of having a boyfriend and placed her on the floor gently as she laughed at him.

 

"Only just noticed this works both ways? You see, if everyone thinks we are together, then neither one of us will ever get laid."

 

Jared had blushed even more as she continued with an evil grin. "So, unless you intend to take my virginity as well as my first kiss, gay boy, I figure eventually you will have to allow me to date."

 

Jared had scowled at her. "Never. You will be a virgin till you marry and it will be some guy I choose. By the way, only Murray will ever be good enough for you." He knew really he couldn't stop her dating, but he could try to keep the guys away a little longer. He really could only ever see himself happy with Chad as her boyfriend; Chad worshipped Sandy as much as he did, maybe more, and despite the amount of girls he dated, he was a good guy. He had never deceived a girl he dated or forced anything on them, and Jared had suspected they never lasted because he only wanted one girl.

 

She just rolled her eyes and smiled at him. "Sooner or later you will have to let me grow up; but I’m serious, Jare. No guy will compare to you; you have ruined me."

 

Jared felt immense love as he wrapped her in a tight hug knowing he would die to protect her. "Yeah, Dee, no guy will ever love you and care for you the way I do."

 

"What about me?" Chad had rejoined them and grinned as he sandwiched Sandy between them in their group hug.

 

Jared didn't miss the blush on Sandy's face, despite her calm words, as she wiggled free. "Oh yeah, forgot about you. Besides, I wasn't talking about love and care, I just meant no guy will have the muscles Jare has. Not even you, Murray."

 

She gave an evil grin and skipped away from them before they could process what she had said. Jared and Chad both gave chase when they realised. Jared knew Chad was thinking just like him, that Sandy should not be thinking about any guys muscles, unless it was theirs. Though he suspected Chad was thinking maybe she should consider his muscles, especially the way he glanced at his own arms as they followed their petite friend.

 

She stopped suddenly by a photo both and was pushing some coins in just as they caught up to her. She shoved them in despite their protest, Chad first then Jared. She climbed into his lap but hugged Chad to her. He didn't miss the look his friends shared before they all posed for the photos.

 

He wondered if Sandy's teasing was finally hitting home with Chad, that she was a girl who would start dating if he didn't act soon. Chad had started to get more possessive lately, and he was dating less, so Jared had high hopes for them. As the camera flashed, he decided that if those two managed to get together, he would tell Chad his secret.

 

In the end, they had 12 pictures taken so they could have a strip each. He loved photos and knew these would join the many of his friends and family that he had in his room.

 

They spent the rest of the day shopping and fooling around, and Jared never felt so happy with his friends. He knew he was a lucky guy. It was getting towards the end of the day, and they were in a music store where Sandy had been chatting to some guy that looked like one of those emo kids. Jared had nothing against people being different, just with people flirting with his Sandy.

 

Though, before he could get in there, he realised Chad had also had enough. Chad strode over, taking Sandy's hand in his, and pulled her towards the exit. He had quickly followed knowing it was going to be bad. Sandy was sweet, but she would full on bitch out at being manhandled by Chad. Sure enough, as he walked out, she was scowling and ready to hurl abuse at their friend, and Jared winced for Chad. But the words never left her lips due to Chad’s mouth covering hers. 

 

He could see Chad and Sandy both take in a shocked breath at the same time, but she recovered quickly and melted into Chad’s kiss. Jared just watched with a big grin on his lips shouting, "about damn time!"

 

He laughed and hugged them both as they pulled apart blushing, but not letting go of each others hand. Chad had looked at him nervously, "so your ok with this man?"

 

Jared had grinned. "Course I am. Was wondering when you would figure it out."

 

Sandy hit both of them. "Why are you two talking about me like you decide my fate?" She then poked Chad in the chest, "and maybe you should be asking me if this is ok, not Jared."

 

Chad looked unsure for a moment, but then smiled and kissed her so sweetly that Jared felt like he was intruding on a private moment. His two friends stared into each others eyes for a moment and both smiled, blushing slightly, no words needed.

 

Then he remembered his promise to himself and he never backed down on a promise. He would tell Chad everything tomorrow.

 

Tonight, he wanted to enjoy his friends and their new found relationship, just in case Chad took it badly.

 

As they left the mall, Sandy was walking hand in hand with Chad for once, and not Jared. He couldn't be happier for them, except he did feel a little lonely and hoped things wouldn't change. Then Chad slung his arm over his shoulder and grinned. 

 

"Want me to hold your hand too, honey, so you don't feel left out?" He then planted a wet kiss on Jared's cheek.

 

Jared laughed out loud with his friends before taking Chad’s hand in his, pretending to be all girly and in love, which had all three friends laughing. Things were changing, but they would always be friends, and, as he scooped up Sandy and ran away from Chad he shouted, "I married her in kindergarten. She’s mine!" 

 

He knew everything would be okay as his friends laughed, Chad giving chase, tackling him to the ground and all three of them rolled onto their backs laughing. Chad loved him, and he would never turn his back on him. That thought calmed him inside, and he sighed, content, as he stared up at the sky.

 

His friends picked up on his calm state and joined him in staring at the sky. He loved that about his friends; they always seemed to know what to say or do, and no moment was pushed or false. 

 

Sandy held each of their hands in hers as she lay between them. "Promise me we will always be friends like this guys, no matter what happens."

 

There was silence for a few seconds and Jared knew Chad, like himself, was thinking of laughing off the sudden seriousness in Sandy's tone. Sandy was rarely serious, unless it called for it. All of them felt the change around them; they were growing up, finding relationships and they were all scared of being pulled apart.

 

So with a gentle squeeze of her hands and a soft whisper full of sincerity, lacking any mocking, they both responded, "promise."

 

Sandy just squeezed their hands, thanking them.

 

 

*********

 

Present

 

Jared stared at the photo on the ground before tucking it into the cast on his arm, not taking any notice of the lump in his throat or the tears threatening to fall.

 

It was all gone now.

 

Some promises just couldn't be kept.

 

***********

 

Thanks for reading guys, let me know what you thought?


	5. Where do I belong?

  
Author's notes: Sorry for the delay I am moving house and have no internet access :(  


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Laurie watched Jared from the kitchen window. The back yard was often a source of comfort for many of the kids that came here. It was one of the reason Laurie had insisted on buying the house. The yard was large with many trees and flowers, and it seemed to have the ability to calm people and give them a sense of freedom. She had watched many children escape into that garden when things got too much.

 

She wondered what had driven Jared there. She knew it could be the fall out from being left here, yet she worried that Jensen may have upset him. Jensen wasn't usually a mean boy; actually, compared to Chris, he was a saint. He really cared about how people felt despite his carefree exterior, and so she found it difficult to imagine him upsetting Jared. Besides, she had seen him taking boxes out of Jared's room and he had told her he thought Jared just needed some space.

 

She had no reason to doubt him. Jensen trusted her and had done for a long time. He was no longer her patient, but they still talked a lot. She knew he felt comfortable talking to her now, as when she had started treating him, it had been like pulling teeth. He had been painfully shy back then, and the trauma he had suffered had left him withdrawn and scared of people. It had taken a long time to get him to open up, but once he did, he healed quickly. He was strong and didn't dwell on the past. Still, the effects had lingered in different ways; he stuck to his own friends and didn't let people in easily.

 

So it was surprising to see the way he had taken to Jared, and she felt torn over that. Jensen had told her a while back that he thought he was gay. At first, he had found it hard to accept and had blamed his past for making him ‘abnormal‘. After much work on both parts, she had got him to a place where he was comfortable with it. But, even though he had made leaps and bounds into accepting who he is, he had failed to tell his friends or start dating. She knew Chris and Sophia had a good idea that he was gay, but still Jensen tried to hide it. It was fairly obvious that Jensen had started to get a crush on their new house guest, and it concerned her greatly.

 

Jensen needed his first relationship to be a good experience, full of love and trust; but she just wasn't sure Jared was capable of giving that to him at this point in his life. Jared was unstable and unable to maintain a relationship with his own family, let alone with anyone else. The crime itself raised concerns. He was accused of some horrific crimes, not that she believed he was responsible for them, especially in the way they were accused. But Jared had admitted to one of the crimes, the worst one, and he never tried to defend himself. Despite wanting to help Jared, she knew she had to keep a level head and determine whether Jared may or may not actually be guilty of some of the crimes.

 

She really didn't want Jensen to get heartbroken. He deserved to be happy, but she just knew if he let himself fall for Jared he would be in for a world of hurt. Still, it wasn't for her to get involved. She had hoped that they could form some kind of friendship, as that is something they both needed. Jensen would make a good friend to Jared; she just hoped his crush passed once he realised Jared wasn't interested.

 

Some part of her argued that Jared had also seemed interested, but the difference between the two was he had pulled away and shut those feeling down. She hoped that it stayed that way, mostly because she just couldn't see it surviving, not when Jared had so many problems to work through and deal with. Laurie wondered if pushing that friendship would be the best thing.

 

She couldn't help but feel guilty at the way she had written Jared off as not good enough for Jensen, just like everyone else in Jared’s life. No, she wouldn't do that. There was a reason he was here and she believed in him. If things developed between the two boys, then she would not interfere. She would just be there for them both.

 

As she looked at the lonely boy under the tree, she remembered a 13 year old Jensen sitting in the exact same place, so sad and lonely. It was ironic that they had both chosen the same place to go when their lives got too much. Maybe it meant something more. Right now, though, she wouldn't worry. More than likely, it was just a small crush.

 

Michael's arms wrapped around her and she smiled, drawn away from her thoughts as she leaned back into that warm embrace. No words were needed; she knew it was their way of clearing the air. Things had been tense lately between them, arguments about Jared being the main catalyst. But when it came down to it, he was always there for her, and she had every faith he always would be.

 

*********

 

Jensen could tell Chris was pissed at him, only he was pretending to not realise. He wasn't going to give his best friend a good excuse to start bitching at him. Instead, he focused on his assignment, ignoring the glare that Chris kept burning into him every now and then when he got bored of the TV.

 

He knew what it was about, which was part of why he was avoiding talking about it. He couldn't defend himself, and the excuse that Laurie had asked him to go sounded weak, even to his own ears. He just hoped Chris kept up the silent anger, as he really didn't want to face lots of questions. Today had been confusing as Hell for him. He had never felt so much so quick before, and it made his head spin.

 

He tried to ignore the need to go find the tall guy that had his head so busy. He knew, though, he needed to take a step back and keep cool. He doubted Chris would keep silent if he continued to trail the new guy like a lost puppy, and Hell, he wasn't far gone enough to humiliate himself that much. He decided the best way was to play it cool, to not force anything. He had been too eager today, which was out of character for him. That was probably why Chris was glaring at him every chance he got.

 

"So where's your new friend?" Obviously Chris had grown tired of the silent glares.

 

Jensen took his time closing his books before looking at his friend. "Is that what this is about? You jealous or something?" He knew he had said the wrong thing when Chris blushed; he never blushed. 

 

"Fuck no, Ackles. I'm not like that."

 

Jensen glared at his friend as he got to his feet. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

 

Chris looked like a trapped animal, and Jensen would have found it funny if he wasn't so pissed at his friend right now. It was obvious his friend was trying to refer to him being gay, but all he had managed to do was make Jensen believe how much it disgusted him. It was one of the things he was afraid of happening. Chris may have had an idea he was gay, and had seemed cool with it, but since he had seen Jensen possibly interested in another guy, he was freaking out. What would he be like if Jensen started dating?

 

Would his best friend make excuses to leave the room? Would he stop hanging out with him? Would they lose their friendship?

 

He didn't give Chris a chance to answer him. "I was talking about friendship, not about how ‘normal’ you are and how ‘abnormal’ I am.”

 

His words had Chris gaping at him like a goldfish. "Dude, that isn't what I meant. Fuck Jensen, you should know me better than that.”

 

His friends words helped to calm him down enough to realise he was overreacting, again, something he rarely did. He knew it was his own fears making him react this way. He didn't want to lose his best friend just because he liked guys. Still, saying that to said best friend was easier said than done; they didn't do chick-flick moments.

 

So instead, he nodded and sat back down, hand held up when Chris tried to explain himself. "Look, just forget it."

 

Chris looked like he wanted to argue or say something more, but instead, he just nodded. "So, are we cool?"

 

Jensen smiled at that, a little relieved and threw a cushion at his friends head. "Yeah, we’re cool, idiot."

 

The cushion hit his friend in the head, and he knew war was coming. Sure enough, seconds later, Chris was tackling him to the floor. They were way too old to play-wrestle, but it was their way of having the ‘chick-flick moment’ without the awkwardness. That, and despite both being 16, they were still like 10 year olds most the time when they were together. It was something Jensen would never grow tired of.

 

*********

 

Jared wasn't sure how long he sat under the tree staring into the distance, not seeing anything but memories. His leg ached like a bitch and his ass was cold and numb, and yet somehow, the physical pain he felt was a comfort. He felt so numb lately that he was sure he wasn't real anymore, that he was fading away. Pain reminded him he was still here, still very much alive.

 

It was the pain that bought him back to the present, and he realised he should be getting back to the house. He was sure it was almost dinner time, not that he felt hungry. He didn't get hungry anymore. He just ate to fuel his body. He used to love food and eat for pleasure; his big love was candy, but not anymore. He found no enjoyment in anything, anymore.

 

He struggled to his feet and slowly made his way back to the house. He wished he could avoid everyone, but as he got near, he knew that would be impossible. He watched the family of four getting ready for dinner with ease, each seeming to know their own role as they worked. Laurie was dishing up the food, Michael putting the plates and dishes on the table, Chris was on the drinks and Jensen was setting the table.

 

He hesitated outside the kitchen door wondering where he fit in to all this. There was no place for him here and it was obvious. He tucked the photos into his cast and hung his head, not wanting to meet anyone’s eyes as he entered the kitchen. He could tell his presence was noticed by all, as the easy banter between them more or less died for a few seconds.

 

Laurie was the first to recover. "Jared, honey, dinner is almost done. I hope you’re hungry. It's Mexican night."

 

He nodded and tried to ignore the eyes he could feel on him, even as they resumed conversation. "Thank you. I just need the bathroom." He stumbled off before anyone could object.

 

Laurie's soft voice followed him. "Ok, don't be too long or there won’t be anything left with these three."

 

In truth he wished he could hide out in the bathroom throughout dinner, he wasn't prepared for the family atmosphere he had just felt. He knew he was coming to a care home, but he wasn't expecting this. It was too similar to how his family used to be.

 

Jared splashed his face with cold water and briefly glanced at his reflection. As he stared, he saw that he barely recognised the person looking back, and it had nothing to do with the cuts and bruises on his face. His eyes were haunted, deep shadows clouding the hazel hue of his irises. He stood witness to the demons raging inside him, unable to look away. 

 

******

 

Jensen had noticed the moment Jared entered the kitchen and so had everyone else. He saw how this made the taller boy uncomfortable, so he started talking about the Impala again. Soon, Michael and Chris were talking again, and Jared made a quick getaway. Jensen was only half listening to the conversation, his real focus being on Jared.

 

He saw how awkward this all made the guy feel, and he understood how strange it feels to be with a family and not be a part of it. He remembered a few situations where he felt like an outsider and it had hurt to feel that way. He wanted to reach out to him, but didn't want to push him. Jared's whole demeanour shouted ‘stay the fuck away from me’, and he didn't want to upset him and ruin any chance of a friendship.

 

"How was he earlier?" Laurie had managed to guide him close to her whilst Chris and Michael talked cars.

 

Jensen smiled and began helping Laurie. He had always found her easy to talk to. "I think he is finding it difficult. It must be hard, new place; new people."

 

Laurie nodded and handed him some food to dish up. "The first day is always the worst. I'm glad you’re making an effort hon; just do me a favour?"

 

Jensen stopped what he was doing to look at Laurie. Her voice had dropped and she sounded concerned. "Just don't push him. I know you mean well and Jared could use a friend like you, but it's just Jared is... Well, he’s a unique person and he has a lot to deal with. Those things could make him a little difficult to be around. Just give him time, ok?"

 

Jensen felt himself blush as Laurie spoke. She was obviously on to him and was trying to give him advice. "No problem." It wasn't that he didn’t appreciate the advice; Hell, it was to the contrary. Laurie rarely interfered unless it was needed, and he valued her opinion; plus she knew Jared better than he did, so she knew how he needed to be handled. A mischievous grin crossed his face. "Of course, I could get to know him better if you let me read his file."

 

Laurie managed to hit him with the dish cloth despite his hasty retreat the moment he spoke. She was laughing though. Laurie knew Jensen would never do anything like that. He respected her and her job too much, so she knew he was just teasing. She knew he was just as curious as Chris; still, she was glad Jensen seemed to take on board what she said.

 

As they all moved to their usual chairs at the table, Jensen stood back up. "I'll go tell Jared it's ready."

 

Chris muttered under his breath, "let him starve," and promptly received a kick from Laurie .

 

Jensen grinned and walked down the hall, knocking on the bathroom door. "Hey Jared, we’re all waiting on you. Everything ok?"

 

It took Jared a few moments to realise someone was talking to him. "Yeah, be out in a sec. Go ahead and start without me."

 

Jensen smiled. He had expected that one and figured Jared planned to hide in there until dinner was over. "No can do, man; Laurie’s orders."

 

Jared sighed and tried to bring himself back to reality. Since ‘that night’, he had started spacing out more and more. He tried not to let himself be consumed by his memories as they were too painful. He shut them out, effectively blocking them from his consciousness and let himself drift in a sea of emptiness. He blinked his eyes and took a deep breath, knowing he had to face the music.

 

He pulled the door open and avoided looking directly at Jensen. "Thanks. I just lost track of time," he mumbled his words and flushed as he felt those green eyes on him.

 

Jensen wondered if he was allowed to think ‘adorable’ when looking at a guy that was taller and more built than him, with bruises and dead eyes. He figured the answer would be ‘no‘. Only, he couldn't help it. This guy screamed out for a hug and damn if he didn't want to just give him one. Deciding that would probably get him into trouble with Jared's fists, he stomped down the desire. "No problem man. Let’s go eat."

 

As he led the way, he wondered when he had become such a touchy-feely person, because that was not him. He rarely wanted to give hugs to his friends, let alone a guy he barely knew. He couldn't understand why this guy bought out the overprotective side in him. Sure, he was attracted to Jared, but this felt deeper. That was crazy, because he didn’t even know him.

 

********

 

Jared closed his bedroom door feeling relieved to have the constant noise stop. Dinner had been slow torture for him. He had to focus hard not to drift off, and he had to keep control of his emotions. He had managed to eat some of the food, which he was sure tasted great, but to him it tasted like saw dust.

 

Laurie had excused him from the chores so they could chat. She had promised that it was nothing intense, just her checking in with him. He managed to mumble he was doing ok. Laurie had let him know they would have a therapy session tomorrow and physio Monday after school. She let him know that she would be with him for his first day to help him get his schedule organised. He had barely responded to her, but inside he was panicking. Therapy was going to be tough; he couldn't talk about how he felt, he just couldn’t. He had hated physio with a passion, and was always left wondering why he needed to get his leg better when it would always be weak. 

 

The real panic, though, came from hearing about school.

 

Now he was safely in his room he let his head drop back against the door and let himself freak the fuck out, because he could not handle school. He knew it would be too much. He had managed to keep a tight lock down on how he felt; how he was doing. Being around kids his age all day, being teased, pointed at, bullied…he would lose it. He couldn't do that; he was dangerous when he lost it. Fuck. Why couldn't he be home schooled, or at least excused? It wasn't like he would need an education in prison, anyway.

 

He could feel himself slowly losing control as he thought about it more and more. He would be the new guy, the loner, the freak...

 

A small knock interrupted his thoughts.

 

Jensen felt unsure as he knocked gently. He had agreed to back off, but he just wanted to let Jared know he was here. "Jared, you have a sec?"

 

Jared opened the door and carefully avoided the smaller guys gaze. "Sure." He could still feel the panic in him as he reluctantly met Jensen's piercing eyes.

 

His breath caught as Jensen looked into those eyes again and saw the depth of emotion. Fear was clearly the winning emotion shining in Jared’s eyes. "Just bought you these," he held up the two pillows, feeling at a loss for words.

 

Jared stared dumbly at the pillows as he got control of his feelings, before looking at Jensen, his mask back in place. "Thanks."

 

Jensen felt unable to breathe as Jared looked at him again, his eyes blank. He didn't miss the confused tone to his ‘thanks’ and smiled. "I just figured you could use extra support for your arm and leg. I had an injury a while back and, well, I just thought..." He trailed off and held the pillows out in front of him, feeling himself blush.

 

Jared took the offered pillows, feeling a little put out. Jensen was obviously a really nice guy, even if it was only pity he felt for him. He obviously wanted to help people out, so when he looked at Jensen again, he allowed a small smile. "Thanks."

 

Jensen was taken aback by the smile. It didn't reach his eyes, but it was a gesture and that was all he cared about. Grinning, he rubbed the back of his neck. "No problem." 

 

He went to walk away, but stopped at the last minute. “I heard Laurie mention school earlier…we’re in the same year, so I figured it will be cool to hang out, I mean, that’s if you want to. You should meet the other guys and Sophia." He knew he was rambling, but couldn't find it in him to care. Remembering his warning about not pushing it, he backed away. "Anyway we can talk more tomorrow. Sleep well."

 

A small bud of hope was growing in Jared's chest. Maybe he wouldn't have to face school alone. He wouldn't fit in, but he wouldn't be alone. He wanted to thank Jensen and show him how grateful he was, but he couldn't. Instead, he nodded and mumbled "night Jensen" before closing the door.

 

He stumbled towards his bed and decided to use Jensen's pillows to sleep on and the others to support his arm and leg, telling himself it was just because they were softer, nothing else. They had supported his leg and arm in hospital and it had helped, and yet he hadn't given his comfort another thought until Jensen mentioned it. 

 

He struggled out of his clothes, swallowing some tablets for the pain and to help sleep, before sliding into the comfortable bed.

 

It took him a while to get comfortable, but eventually he sank back into the soft pillows. He was bone tired, but knew he had to wait for the tablets to kick in. He wished he could sleep without them, but he couldn't, no matter how tired he got. Even with the tablets, his sleep was interrupted with nightmares or insomnia. Sometimes he just woke up in a cold sweat, other times he just woke up knowing he would not be able to sleep. He used to love sleep, he would cling to every extra second he could get before having to drag his ass out of bed. He loved lying in on weekends and holidays. Just another thing that was gone.

 

Sighing softly, he took a deep breath, willing his body and mind to relax. As he breathed in, he realised the pillow had Jensen's scent on it, despite the cases obviously being clean on. He took a moment to think about moving the pillows around, but in the end he just snuggled deeper into them

 

Deciding to at least try and sleep, he inhaled that comforting scent and he carefully pulled the strip of photos out of his cast, letting his eyes linger on his friends for a few seconds before placing them safely under his pillow.

 

"Night guys," his soft lonely voice echoed around the empty room. But in his head, he clearly heard his best friends saying ‘goodnight’ back.


	6. Chapter 6 - Inside your head, putside your heart

  
Author's notes: Sorry for the long delay guys I am busy with real life, moving house and working stupid hours kills my online life. Hope you like this chapter though, I hope to update again soon and get more regular again now things are settling here.

 

Song - Through glass - stone sour.

chapter notes: I'm not a therapist, my understanding is limited to my own experience of seeing one, but still, I am no expert. So therefore, there are likely things Laurie says or does that a therapist wouldn't. I appreciate some of you may understand it better, but I am going to just do guess work, so don't hate me if it's wrong. lol.  
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Chapter 6 - Inside your head, outside your heart.

 

"So Jared, how was your first night here?" Laurie sat comfortably in a sofa opposite Jared. As usual, she allowed her patients to choose their seats. Beanbags lined the floor, as did two stools and a comfy chair. Jared, however, chose to sit opposite her on the other sofa. He looked tired and pale, and she knew this session wouldn't go well. The first one never did.

 

"Fine, thank you." He felt uncomfortable, despite how nice the room looked, decorated in bright, warm colours. Toys and objects to keep his hands busy were scattered everywhere, and even the sofas were comfy. Not like he imagined. Still, he knew the purpose of these sessions and he was working himself up to deflect answers.

 

She noticed the slight hostility in Jared's voice and mentally noted it. He had been more than polite this morning at breakfast, but therapy often made kids like Jared defensive. It was expected; part of the course. There was no reason for any of the kids that came to see her to trust her straight the way. Often, they came here expecting her to force them to talk, to go over painful memories and to explain them. They were wary of her. Despite her knowing and understanding this, she tried to make them see she was trustworthy and not another adult who was going to let them down.

 

Whenever she felt that perhaps she wasn’t getting through to them, she remembered a brilliant teacher who had once said: "remember, you are an unknown entity to the child. You’re there to delve into their innermost thoughts and help them discover themselves. Often, these children have been abused, neglected, or are in trouble with the law. All they have ever known is to hide who they are, what they feel. And here comes the therapist to break down those walls and make them relive the worst times of their lives. We shouldn’t forget that broken down, the word therapist becomes The Rapist, a word that causes many negative emotions. Put aside your fancy degrees and words, and that is exactly what the patients see us doing; raping their minds of their inner most thoughts and fears. You make them relive painful times and don't let them hide. Of course, that is what we need to do. A child can never heal, even as an adult, unless they deal with those damaging traumas in their lives. But remember, realise what you are to that child and the fear that you may cause. Take a step back and look through their eyes."

 

That lesson had served her well over the years. She always thought of it with each case to enable her to get into the mindset of the child. Even when the child was hostile and aggressive, it helped her to understand. She knew all she could do was try to reassure them and work on gaining their trust. Today would be no different.

 

"So, I know you have never seen a therapist before, Jared, but I wanted to let you know how this works to give you a good idea of what will be happening. Is that ok?"

 

As expected, she just got a nod. Jared’s eyes were fixed to the floor. "I want you to understand a few things about therapy and this room. I have three simple rules that we both have to follow when we come in here, ok? They’re on that wall; can you read them?"

 

She watched as he read the rules that applied to both of them.

 

1\. Be honest about how we feel.

2\. Listen to each other.

3\. Respect what is said and each other.

 

"Do they make sense?" Again, she received a nod. "Well, the first one is the most important. I won't be making you talk about anything you don't want to, Jared." She smiled as he looked at her in shock. "You seem surprised."

 

"I don't have to talk?" He looked so hopeful, despite the guarded look.

 

"Well, to not talk at all would make these sessions pointless. I would like you to talk to me, but you lead the session. You can talk about what you want. I only ask that you stick to rule number one: be honest. I will of course ask you questions or ask you to talk more about something. If you feel unable to talk about this, or you just don't want to, that’s fine. Again, just be honest with me and we will be fine. If you need to have a break or just stop talking for a while, that is also fine, Jared. Does that sound ok to you?"

 

"Yeah, it does." He was a little less tense now she had explained that to him, but he knew having to talk would be difficult.

 

"Good. The second rule seems like an easy one, but at times people find it difficult. I just ask that we try to listen to each other and allow the other to finish what they say and to not interrupt. How does that sound?"

 

Jared nodded again. He doubted he would ever interrupt anyone ever again.

 

"The third rule is important; you need to know that everything that is said in here is confidential. I only give reports to your social worker and the courts. But, I do not give them full details of our sessions. I just include what is relevant to your case. So if you talk to me about personal details, like your feelings about your family, then I won’t include it because it is not relevant. I will just outline that we discussed your family and how you felt about it. Of course, you are free to share anything said in here with other people."

 

Jared’s mind was on overload. He had got himself so worked up over therapy, and it seemed it had been for nothing. He imagined being told to lay on a couch and have questions fired at him. Only it wasn't like that. Laurie wasn't going to make him talk about things he didn't want to talk about, and yet, he couldn't see how that was possible.

 

His confusion gave him the drive to speak. "What if I never talk about why I'm here?"

 

Laurie could sense his distrust, like he was expecting her to twist things around suddenly. "Well, like I said, Jared, I will ask you questions, and some will be about what happened. I just ask you to be honest."

 

"So, if I say I don't want to talk about it…?" He still didn't see how that would work.

 

"Jared, if that is how you feel at that time, then I may ask more questions about why you feel that way. But I cannot make you talk about what happened. It wouldn't help you or me if I forced things."

 

Jared bit his lip and thought that over. "So when my trial comes, if I haven't spoken to you about what happened, will you get in trouble?"

 

Laurie was surprised by his concern for her, and once again thought the file had this boy wrong. "Jared, I won’t be in trouble. I will try to get you to talk to me eventually when you feel ready, because I think you need to get it out there and face what happened. I know right now you may disagree, and that’s ok. But I'm not giving up on you, and it's not because I will get in trouble."

 

Jared nodded and agreed silently that he wouldn't ever want to talk about that night; it was buried deep and he had no intentions of reliving that ever again.

 

Laurie gave Jared time to process that before continuing. "I know there is a lot to take in, but I wanted you to understand that this time is for you. I am here to listen to you, to offer any words of support or advice that I can for anything in your life, not just the reason you’re here. You can roam around this room, play with the toys, read the many posters and even draw if you like; you just need to use this time for you."

 

Jared looked around the room as she spoke and wondered why he would want to play with any of this stuff. He wasn't six anymore. He ignored the fact that the old Jared would be bounding round the room like Tigger on crack right now. He wasn't like that anymore. No amount of therapy would fix him.

 

Laurie waited until his focus was back with her and smiled. "If you want, we can just talk today about the plans whilst your here for school and an upcoming trip. I know there is a lot to take in still and a session may be too much today. Is there anything you wanted to talk about other than plans?"

 

Jared was about to say ‘no’, and remembered rule one. Honesty. He had a lot in his head right now; his family, Chad and Sandy, Chris and Michael, new home, therapy, school and Jensen…Jensen who had haunted his dreams last night. Did he want to talk about any of it, though? There was a good reason he stopped talking to people; they couldn't be trusted, they wouldn't believe him. So no, as nice as Laurie seemed, he couldn't trust her. Besides, talking never helped. He would just ignore everything in his head and heart like always.

 

So he shook his head. "No, talking about the plans is fine."

 

********

 

Jensen laughed as he and Tommy scored yet another basket against Chris and Mike. The two other boys often came over on a Sunday to play hoops. He had been happy to pick Tommy as his partner due to his skills, and he had laughed at the face Chris had pulled. No one ever wanted to partner with Mike, as he never played seriously. They would be playing and suddenly he would stop to ask some random question or make a comment. He only played because he made up the numbers. 

 

Mike worked on the paper and was more academically gifted than he was in sports, but he wasn't exactly a geek. To look at him at first glance, people would place him in the ‘geek’ category; he was usually always on his laptop, so therefore wearing his glasses and he was in almost every AP class. Still, Mike was cool in a weird out-there kind of way. He knew everyone and had contacts, so if anyone needed anything-anything at all- they went to Mike. He had helped Jensen find a guy that dealt cheap car parts and had once boasted he could even get drugs for them all. He had quickly backtracked when Tom gave him the whole ‘drugs are bad‘ speech. Alcohol, however, was fine. Mike hooked them up with the best parties, but never ceased to look out for his friends.

 

Jensen figured that people probably thought that was why Mike was allowed to hang with the popular guys. Jensen hated the title, but somehow he had managed to get stuck as ‘Mr Popular’ along with Tom, Chris and Sophia (Miss Popular, in that case). They always stuck to their own group, though, and refused to be dragged into the shallow world of the other popular kids. Tom was the best basketball player and Chris was the best football player. Jensen had been in the basketball team for many years before it interfered with his true passions; music, drama and arts. He loved to play his guitar, sing and act, and even draw. He was already considered popular by that point because of basketball and his good looks, so joining the yearly shows seemed to make people like him even more. He was never looking for approval; he just did what he liked. The only people he cared about pleasing were those close to him. Still, in the social order, he was one of the ‘in’ crowd.

 

Mike, however, wasn't. He had yet to build his reputation up as the guy to go to for anything and everything. So, he was not seen as one of the ‘in’ crowd. But Jensen, Tom and Chris never wavered in their friendship with him. It didn't matter to them, because despite what others thought, their friendship had formed long before their popularity even existed. It had been the way the other popular kids had treated Mike that had made them pull away into their own crowd. They didn't fit the normal roles and they were all ok with it. Mike, as ever, was not in the slightest bit affected by the comments made about him, but he was their friend and they didn't want to hang out with people that treated their friends horribly.

 

So for the longest time it had been the five of them, an odd mix, but they worked well together. Jensen found it easy to be within this small group of people and be himself. They all got on as individuals, which helped, especially as schedules often clashed and it could be just two of the group hanging out. Of course, there were closer friendships within the group; Tom and Mike were closer to each other, like he and Chris were, and he and Tom were closer to Sophia, but she got on great with Mike and Chris. He loved his group of friends and was happy he never had to pretend to be someone else just to fit in.

 

He wondered, not for the first time, how Jared would fit into the group. He had meant what he had said last night. He didn't want Jared to be alone at school, and he wanted the group to welcome him. He just didn't want to split the group up. He knew Chris would be against it, but he knew Tom and Sophia would accept Jared into the group. The two cousins were genuinely nice people; they liked everyone, and even though Sophia was scary when someone hurt someone she loved, she was still a caring person. Mike may side with Chris. Those two were very different, but often they thought the same way about certain things. Still, Mike was an unknown; he often surprised people with his responses, even his best friends.

 

"Catch me, big boy," Mike shouted this moments before jumping onto Tom who was so shocked, he automatically caught the shorter guy in some weird hug. Mike used his new height advantage to throw the ball in the hoop above their heads.

 

There was a few seconds pause, but then Tom’s shocked face had Chris and Jensen laughing so hard that within seconds they fell to the floor, tears blurring their eyes. Every time they tried to control themselves, they looked at the cheering Mike who was still in Tom’s arms and cracked up again.

 

Eventually, Tom realised what he was doing and dumped his friend’s ass on the floor. He smiled at his friends and sat near them waiting for them to get control.

 

The laughter eventually died down and Mike looked at them, confused. "What’s so funny? I made a perfect shot."

 

This almost had them laughing again. Mike just grinned good naturedly and shrugged it off. "Laugh it up boys; none of you could have done that."

 

Chris laughed, throwing a towel at his friend. "Yeah, because Tommy would never catch us like that."

 

They all laughed at that, but Jensen noticed the blush on Tom’s face and was tempted to tease him about it. But something in his tall friend’s eyes asked him not to. So he filed it away for another time.

 

"So, when do we meet the freak?" Mike wasn't exactly quiet and Jensen hoped Jared was still in therapy so he didn't hear.

 

Scowling he kicked his friends foot. "Don't call him that. He’s ok." Jensen kicked Chris as he snorted at his comment.

 

"Fuck, stop kicking!" Chris had a look on his face that told Jensen he was in trouble. Turning to Mike and Tom, he grinned, "Jenny boy has a crush on him."

 

Jensen glared as his cheeks flushed. "I do not. Just cause I'm not an asshole to the poor guy, doesn‘t mean I have a crush."

 

"Jen’s right guys, he probably needs friends." Tom could usually be counted on for being nice and Jensen was glad he hadn't teased him moments before.

 

Mike, however, was pure evil and refused to let the crush comment pass by. "About damn time, Jenny boy. Here I was thinking you would never get laid. Is he cute?"

 

Chris was scowling at Mike now, obviously not happy with the way this was going. "Dude, shut the fuck up. Jen can do better than some freak of nature." He then grinned at Jensen. “I could fix you up with almost anyone at school. So, who do you like?, any guy or girl of your choice"."

 

Jensen rolled his eyes at his friends. They often teased each other about being gay and wanting guys, and again, he knew it was their way of giving him an opportunity to out himself. Still, Mike always was less sensitive than the others. "So Jen, you’re finally flying the gay pride flag?"

 

Jensen flipped him off. "You two should concentrate more on your own sex lives, cause I haven't seen either of you getting laid just lately."

 

Tom laughed with Jensen. "Very true, man. Plus, all that talk of gay sex… think they’re trying to tell us something?"

 

Jensen, once again, thanked the gods that Tom was the guy he was. He wouldn't ever change him. "I think so. We should set them up."

 

Mike just snorted and grinned. Nothing ever seemed to get to him. "Yeah, make sure he’s cute. I'm not picky enough to care if its a guy or girl, but they have to be cute."

 

Chris just groaned and stood up, looking disgusted. "I love boobs; it's all I’m saying."

 

Tom pulled Jensen up and laughed. "Me thinks he doth protest too much."

 

Jensen nodded and slung his arm around Chris's shoulder. "I'll be your date, handsome and maybe we can go to the prom."

 

Mike pouted. "What about me, Ackles? You always go for brawn over brain?"

 

Jensen just laughed as Chris flexed his muscles and Tom sighed before putting his arm around Mike. "Don't worry, little one. I'll take you to the prom."

 

Mike looked almost serious for a second, while Chris and Jensen just stood uncomfortably as the seconds ticked by. Neither of them understood the sudden tension that had settled around them, and thought it was best not to ask.

 

Chris suddenly coughed. "Erm, let’s get some drinks."

 

The moment was broken and Mike turned and grinned. "Yeah, lets meet the freak that has Ackles all hot under the collar."

 

"Look, just be nice to him. He’s quiet and ...well, just be nice." How could he explain that Jared was a nice guy under the hostile exterior? None of them would believe him, considering he had only known the boy a day and therefore couldn't possibly know what he was really like. He couldn’t explain that it was his instinct or just a feeling, because he didn’t understand it himself.

 

 

*************************

 

Jared had spent the rest of the therapy session listening to the plans that had been made for him. School wouldn't be much different, as all his work had been transferred. Laurie would take him to the office tomorrow to ensure everything was in order and he would find out what he needed to catch up on. He hadn't missed much school, just September and the first week in October. He had always been top of his classes, so he shouldn't have much to make up. As Laurie had explained this, he had tried to not think of his old school, his old friends and old life. It was difficult when he kept being reminded of them.

 

Laurie had explained that the school requires that he joins in with at least one extracurricular activity outside of education time. Again, he was reminded that sports would be out of the question, so he would be forced to choose another group. Just great.

 

He would be having physio and doctors appointments regularly whilst here, and the Kane family was planning a trip to Vancouver for Christmas. They were to stay with Jensen's mum, sister, step dad and step sister for two weeks. He had been intrigued to know more about Jensen's family and why he wasn't with them, but of course never asked. He was also feeling that familiar clench in his stomach at the thought of meeting new people and having to be around them at Christmas.

 

Laurie had sensed it was a difficult thing for him, and asked how he was feeling. He had been honest with her in saying he didn't want to talk about it. Christmas would be impossible to face; he had always loved everything about it, from the tree, to the presents, to the food, to the songs…just everything. Now, it meant nothing. To him, Christmas was about being with those you loved. He wouldn't be with them this year, so now Christmas had no meaning and the magic of it was lost to him.

 

He wasn't exactly Mr. Sunshine lately, but the session had made his mood even lower than normal, so he couldn't help but scowl when he walked into the kitchen to find his housemates plus two. He wished he had just gone back to his room now, but he was thirsty and had just followed Laurie in here.

 

He quickly took in the two new additions to the group before looking at the floor again, hating the sudden silence.

 

Laurie handed him a drink and pointed at the tallest guy. "This is Tom, Jared. He will be at your new school."

 

Jared forced himself to look at the other guy and found himself looking into warm, friendly eyes. "Hey, nice to meet you. The guys call me Tommy or Tom."

 

Jared wished he could escape. He could feel eyes on him and shuffled his feet. "Hey," he managed to whisper before looking down again.

 

"Hey, Dr Kane! Don't I get an introduction?" The shorter guy was now standing in front of him, but looking at Laurie who just grinned back. 

 

"Thought I would spare him the torture, Mikey."

 

Mikey, as Laurie called him, seemed unaffected by this and shrugged at the insult. "Sure thing, Doc. Trying to protect your patients, I get it.” He then turned his attention to Jared. "Hey big guy, ignore what they say about me. They lie. So how tall are you exactly? I thought Tommy here was tall, but you must be taller. How you finding the Kane household?"

 

Jared took a step back. This guy was a little too close for comfort and there were too many questions. He wasn't used to this and could feel himself starting to panic. He knew he probably looked like an idiot and considered just walking out, but he had to go school with these guys. He managed to look briefly at the shorter guy. "Hey."

 

He had intended to say more, but couldn't find the words; he was seriously considering running out now. 

 

"Hey, back off, Mike. Let the guy breathe. He can't handle your whacked out personality after only just meeting you." Jared secretly thanked Jensen for saving him from the weird little guy.

 

He wondered how he could make an excuse to leave, when Laurie gently touched his shoulder. "I have some calls to make, but you should get to know these guys." She gave him an encouraging smile and must have seen the panic in his eyes. "When I'm done with the phone, you can use it if you like, ok?"

 

He nodded and felt himself relax slightly. He would have an excuse to leave if it got too much and he wondered if she had offered that on purpose, as he hadn't mentioned phoning home. Still, all the talk of Christmas had him aching to speak to someone from his family, even if it would make him hurt a little more.

 

As Laurie left, he grabbed a chair at the table and tried to breathe calmly, hoping everyone would ignore him for the most part. No such luck.

 

"So, Jay man, who you calling? A girlfriend perhaps?" The weird guy was directing the attention towards him again.

 

He couldn't help but frown at the name; his friends used to call him Jay. "It's ‘Jared’, and no, no girlfriend."

 

Jensen could feel the tension building in the room as Jared spoke, and he saw the look Chris and Mike exchanged. This wasn't going well. He looked to Tommy and as usual, his gentle friend came through for him.

 

"Let’s talk about something else guys. Jared’s only just met us." Tom’s gentle voice usually got Mike to behave, but he wasn't biting today.

 

"Just trying to get to know our new.... friend."

 

Chris jumped in to back Mike up. "Yeah, that's not a crime you know. What I want to know is why Jared doesn't want to share his history with us."

 

Jared clenched his good hand to control his tongue. Chris really had it in for him and with the way he was feeling, he knew nothing good would be said if he spoke right now.

 

Jensen scowled at his friends. "Fuck, Chris, grow up will you?"

 

Jared was surprised at the venom in Jensen's voice and looked up to see the two best friends glaring at each other.

 

Mike seemed to enjoy this. "Awww….a lovers tiff. You two are so sweet when you fight. I bet the makeup sex is amazing though."

 

There were a few seconds of silence before all four were laughing, the tension broken and Jared just stared in disbelief. They were all fucking crazy. He didn't know about needing therapy, but these four sure did.

 

As he was looking at them, his eyes fell on Jensen who was laughing, and at some point their eyes met. It was only for a few seconds, but he couldn't look away. Jensen looked good when he laughed. His eyes seemed to sparkle in a way he had never seen anyone’s do before. He shook his head and looked down, laughing at his own thoughts. He was an idiot and he needed to stop thinking that way.

 

Jensen tried to act normal as he joined in the normal banter with his friends. Tommy and Mike were telling Jared about school and joking about the students there. Jensen had been shocked to find Jared staring at him, and his reaction had been instant. His heart rate rose dramatically and he found it difficult to breathe. He really had to stop reacting like this every time they looked at each other, or it would kill him.

 

************************

 

Sometime later, Jared found himself alone at last. He welcomed the peace surrounding him. Tom had been nice enough and Mike seemed like a good guy, just a little strange. They had let him stay quiet and he figured he could manage hanging out with them at lunch as long as they ignored him most of the time.

 

It wasn't that he didn't like them; he could see himself easily becoming friends with them, well maybe not so much Chris. Still, he wasn't here to make friends and he was too damaged for that. He imagined what would happen when they finally learnt of his past. He knew for now things were confidential, but once the trial started, it would be in the media and it wouldn't take long for these guys to find out.

 

He knew then, none of them would want to know him. He could imagine Chris saying he told them so and Jensen looking hurt.

 

That thought bothered him more than it should, given that they were barely friends and he had no reason to think Jensen would be hurt. He probably wouldn't even care, just be disgusted that he had lived under the same roof as him. He hated that it hurt to think of Jensen feeling that way about him. It was stupid, he knew it was, but it seemed the other boy had already gotten under his skin.

 

He was better off to just avoid forming any bonds here. Everyone left in the end, even those that promised to always be there. He had no reason to trust any of these; he had no reason to let them in, even if part of him wanted to.

 

He sighed as he held the phone in his hand. He was in the lounge and Laurie had suggested calling his mum. He couldn't ignore the ache for his family and that over rode his fear that they wouldn't want to talk to him.

 

He dialled the number and waited. As it went to answer phone, he hung up. It was strange; his family should be home now; they always had Sunday meals together. His mum would be cooking dinner and helping his sister bake cookies or do homework, and his dad would be watching the game with Jeff who came to visit on Sundays. Jared would normally be home around this time, going between the lounge and the kitchen, talking nonstop to his family.

 

Jared wondered if they knew it was him, if they were ignoring the call on purpose. He told himself not to think that way. So again, he tried calling them. With each ring in his ear, it became clear to him no one was home or they didn't want to hear from him. As it went to answer phone, he hesitated before speaking. "Er, hey, it's Jared...just wanted to speak to someone...can you call back? Um, bye.

 

He knew his tone sounded desperate, because he was. He needed to know his family hadn't completely cut him out their lives. He knew his dad didn't want to know him, but his brother and sister were different, and his mom must still want him…mustn’t she?

 

He could feel the panic rising inside him as he wondered if they would ever talk to him again....

 

"Jared, honey, what’s wrong?" Laurie was there suddenly and he felt closed in, he needed to escape, to get away.

 

"No one answered," he was standing and making his way out of the lounge when his eyes met Jensen's. He didn't want to see that look in Jensen's eyes, one full of pity. So he walked past him.

 

Laurie's soft voice followed him as he made it to his room. "Honey, I’m sure they’ll call back. You left a message right?"

 

He nodded once, before closing his bedroom door and shutting everyone out. Once alone, he let the tears slide down his cheeks. He sat against his door to stop any unwelcome guests seeing him breakdown.

 

*********************************

 

Jensen had heard the call Jared had made and could hear the doubt in the other boys voice as he spoke. He had wanted to move as Jared came out of the lounge looking like a trapped animal, but he couldn't. He couldn't help but look at the other guy concerned, but then he was gone.

 

He turned to Laurie. "Should I go see if he’s ok?" Everything in him wanted to go comfort the other guy.

 

"No Jensen, let him have some space. Things with his family are delicate." She smiled reassuringly at him.

 

"They’ll call back, right? He left a message asking them to…" He couldn't imagine anyone hearing the desperation in Jared's voice and not calling back.

 

"I'm sure they will." There was a look on Laurie’s face that he couldn't quite read, but he decided she was right; they would call back.

 

He spent the rest of the day positioning himself near the phone doing homework. He knew it was stupid, but he wanted to answer the phone. He wanted to be the one to give Jared the phone and see the relief in the other boys eyes when he realised they had called back, that they still cared.

 

Plus, he didn't want to risk them calling and it being missed.

 

As night time fell, he felt his heart grow heavy for the other guy. No one could ignore the pain Jared was in when he asked to be called back.

 

They had to call back.

 

Only no one did.


End file.
